UNMASKED: Snippets & notes from a lifetime collection of journals (pre-diagnosis).
Advocating for autistic acceptance.
August 11, 1994
Let’s move on to discuss B [high school crush]. B? He, my first real love … ? My friend for always? Yes, the one and only. Sr. B.
No, I know. I do – I completely understand. This will be good. We are both lonely … it would be so much fun! A cute little fling – we’ll always be friends. There is really no potential for disaster.
Besides … I don’t know. A fling with B is at once attractive and horrifying. Not so much that I want him, but he is safe, our friendship is secure, and we are both lonely.
I love him still.
Not in the same way, of course, but still. It’s there. Maybe we’ve come full circle or something. Whatever. Sow it up!
Plus, I just want to! It would be fun – nothing serious. A playful game of escapism. Not for the same reason as H [first man I had sex with]. Not for the same reason as N [long-distance guy].
I see it like the movie Stealing Home. He’s my childhood friend. It is a good time. Maybe we’ll never have the chance again! I’m analyzing this way too much. Look – I’m gonna do it and that’s all there is to say!
Kalpita Pathak
Age 19
COMMENTARY:
Has anyone uttered a more ominous phrase than, “There is really no potential for disaster”?! 🤣
Actually. For once, this was true. I did eventually have a fling with my friend, B. It was fun, drama-free, and we stayed friendly.
Analysis and compartmentalization aren’t the bad words society makes them out to be. They can be intrinsic parts of autistic processing and functioning.
Planning – even planning spontaneous flings – gives me a sense of stability so I can relax and enjoy the moment. Thinking ahead gives me the peace to be in the present.
Any other autistic folk out there analyze and/or compartmentalize?