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Kalpita Pathak

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Posted 11 months ago by Kalpita Pathak

 

 

Having friendship be consistently heartbreaking is a particularly autistic struggle.  My friendships start out intense. I'm New and Interesting, Fun and Exciting, because I break all these arbitrary social rules. I'm funny because I'm inadvertently uncouth even as I am intensely shy; I make people feel seen because I remember obscure facts about them and shower them with small kindness. People say they appreciate my openness, my gentleness, that I'm willing to connect on levels others don't. People are fascinated by my brain and willingness to educate.  I always communicate the patterns I see in my friendships early on, that I'm used to getting burned and never know why or what I do wrong, and I am assured by New Friends that it's not like that with them. But this is a fiction, whether they know it or not at the time. Soon enough the vibes change. People realize that I break other social rules and it's not really an edgy choice; they see that I don't dial down my intensity, that I communicate directly at all points in time. That I see, hear, process, and feel everything. That I ask for clarity, consistency. I have shutdowns, I talk openly about my feelings. I flap and don't mind the stares. I infodump, overcommunicate, and miss social cues other people feel are obvious. And slowly, the New Friend starts to withdraw. It's always small at first, barely noticable--like they're trying to be kind about wanting to dial it back. I start to realize I'm always texting first, or more time passes  between calls and texts, the cadence and flow of conversation changes or I'm always initiating it, the invitations grow few and far between. Whatever it is, I always notice, and I think this frightens them. Or maybe it comes across as creepy, I'm not sure. When I ask, they protest, and tell me no they just have a lot on their plate or are busy. Or I'm misreading the situation, everything is fine. Maybe it goes back to the way it was for a few days, but never matches the same vibes.  And the friendship always tapers off into barely anything.

 

It feels like I'm out in the cold, there's a glass window separating me from the rest of the world. I see the people I desire connection and intimacy with on the other side of the glass, and I pound my palm on it to get their attention but they can't, or don't want to, hear. And they hope I go away--I become annoying, clingy, needy for desiring the same level of friendship-- simultaneously Too Much and Not Enough. I stick around because even though as a general rule I don't want to be part of anything or anyone that doesn't want me, I also crave human connection and want to believe that if people had a problem with me or wanted to dial something back they would tell me; my desire for human connection outweighs my hatred of always being on the outskirts. But the outskirts are where I live, where my friendships happen, so rarely am I included on a meaningful level after a few weeks or momths of a new friendship and the eventual tapering process. I always think if I can be gentle enough, kind enough, enough of a Friend, I can repair whatever damage I've done. But I end up wounded, and waffling. It's a pattern: they tell me I've done nothing wrong, it's not me it's them--even as I watch them intentionally connect with others around them as I am at arms length--or that nothing is off and the vibe is the same. And again I'm left not knowing what happened or how to approach things for Next Time.  The cycle continues, and another person or people proverbially bleed me out after I gave them my all.

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09.10.1993 →
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